defense

tiny fissures, imperceptible cracks that amalgamate to a rapid decay--one so devastating, it is impossible to overlook. when it hits, it strikes unwitting; but, as they say, hindsight is always 20/20.

it was never my intention to be this way, but i can explain these bouts of indifference. disappointment is an incapacitating beast, i guess. it renders my enthusiasm childish and unfounded. thus, i let the emptiness set in; if i do not rely, do not expect, i will never be let down. i will never be susceptible to the weakness that arises from depending on others. if i do not care, i will not feel--anything. that is fine.

i am too arrogant to let you end what i started. even if i am the one chasing you away--believe me, i am always aware-i'll be the first to leave before you've even managed one toe out the door. my pride can take the blame, but it cannot handle the pity that being left behind entails. my fear makes me hasty--too hasty. but i prefer to be alone by choice, even if it is the wrong one.